I had been blue for a month. Didn’t know why - well, lots of little stuff, but so what? I’d known that my business sucked - and have wanted out for while. Actually – I had grown to hate it, and dreaded walking into my office each morning. And, well, yeah I’ve been married to my first wife for ten years in a row now - and ole Suzie - well she’s been working in my office full time for the last year - and as much as I should appreciate her help - well, the glow is - tarnished. I’d rather her at home - greeting me with open arms and a warm home, rather than us both tired at the end of the work day - make a cursory dinner - clean up - get the kids to bed – watch the bad news -up for another day - for what I don’t know - other than trying to get the practice in shape so someone would take it, and take over my responsibilities to my patients so I could escape.
Then I got shingles. I’m not supposed to do that. I’m healthy, buff - strong, in great condition - aren’t I? Admittedly I have to baby both shoulders because of rotator cuff problems - but I’ convinced that don’t need surgery on them, and so I have a torn medial meniscus - O.K., O.K. Yeah yeah, I had it checked and was told I wouldn’t be walking in three years without having surgery on it. But if I don’t admit to this stuff and keep it from my wife - and ignore it -- it could go away.
But the shingles are visible and feel like the devil is chomping down on my right nipple with tiny sharp fangs still 3 weeks after the rash has dried up and my thyroid hormone is low and my neutrophil count is 802 and as a doctor I know what that means - I’m healthy like I said before so its probably a lab error (if it isn’t multiple myeloma or some other short form of death) so I put the report on the shelf and promise myself I’ll repeat the labs in three weeks. (I did repeat it. And I promised myself that I would repeat it again in two more weeks - it's sure it be better next time.) In the mean time – if my white count is so low in the middle of the winter sick season –maybe I should avoid my coughing hacking patients - but - that’s why they come to see me, isn’t it.?
And I resent it. And I resent that even more! Damn. I did this small town Peace Corps like doctor thing instead of going for lucrative city practice as a spiritual exercise and damn if right now I don’t resent their self induced diseases, and self abuse, and sense of entitlement, when they cough in my face when my immune system is shot, and I know I’ll never get paid by them, and I resent most of all that my resentment annuls any iota of spiritual growth - negating the general purpose of the entire exercise. In times like these is so much easier to love the downtrodden from a distance.
Its the end of the year, and we worked twice as hard this year. I ran the numbers on the computer. Between my wife and I, we cleared about $42,000 from current operations. What's that? $34K take home, less $8K for health insurance. Then I get the letter form my malpractice insurance carrier. Canceling me and all my colleagues in the state, and by the way, please remit and extra $23,000 to cover the last two years - and good luck finding a new policy – premiums are up to 2 to 3 times if you can find insurance. When I find a policy – the only one available – its $32,000 a year. Wanna buy my practice? Cheap? Don’t tell, but Medicare is lowering their rates which would mean $10,000 less gross proceeds next year. Yeah, I should be able to turn this baby fast.
- so I’m old and sick and bankrupt emotionally, spiritually and soon to be financially. My wife doesn’t look at me any more, we don’t play - we work, and I don’t feel any love.
I was fine with my lot until about two weeks ago, then I had a sense of unease for about a week. Followed by a week of intense - overwhelming feelings of remorse and defeat. I laid awake feeling trapped, and with the deep conviction (out of nowhere) that my life was over. That I had not accomplished much of what I had expected to, and that my time and energy was too limited to expect much of anything more. My hair is thinning, showing gray, the creases aren’t smile lines. I didn’t like or respect the man in the mirror.
I didn’t want to admit this stuff to my wife, or really to anyone. Aren’t I the rock? I needed to talk so I called my big sister - I don’t call her for this stuff - but we have occasional gripe sessions we don’t take too seriously.
She said - You feel your life is over.
“Unhuh” I said.
She said - You feel haven’t gotten to do the things you wanted to.
“Yeap”.
She said - “You feel that you haven’t gotten as much as what you feel you deserve.” “Mmhmm”
She said - “You feel unloved.”
Unhuh.
She said - “You feel jealous of those with hope”.
Damn she’s good!
She said - “Your going through your mid-life crisis. Yeah, Mikes (her husband) been a bear for the last two years - he’s just like that” and she related that my brother who is a year and a half older had been in his for a year and a half.
“Just like clockwork” I said.
She was right - it was so obvious! I had known earlier that day when I started feeling jealous of my seven year old daughter that that was a pathological mindset. Now I hadn’t left my wife for an unsuitable younger woman - Hadn’t bought a bright red ragtop two seater, or a boat. I had made a few “Hail Mary” investments leading up to my mid-life crisis (“if just one of these babies come through - I could do...”. You can guess at how they went).
Yes! I am still a lucky guy. I hadn’t completely screwed up my family yet! And I knew what to do! Repeat the blood work in two weeks and make love to my wife and tell her that I am having my mid-life crisis and I need her to hug me and kiss me and give me googoo eyes - and I didn’t care if it was sincere or if she thought I was nuts or repulsive - I really needed this and it would be of great benefit for both of us. And it was over! Like that. The next day - Shazamm! As soon as I knew what it was - a temporary pathologic delusional state - it was like being told that pathology report for cancer was negative. The worries were gone.
I’m still going to dump my practice as soon as I can - and I will do the things I want to in my life, (which don’t involve convertibles or boats). And as far as an unsuitable younger woman - I married her 10 years ago and there’s no way I’m giving her up.
Epilogue – 5 years later: The pits of my midlife crisis lasted something like 6 days. It took nearly a year to get out – but I donated my practice to a homeless shelter, and took a job as medical director for a technology incubator. I’m still having fun. My wife and I recently celebrated our 15th anniversary. I run 3 times a week and my knee has not locked up in 5 years – no surgery – just chicken cartilage. My rotator cuffs haven’t hurt either. My white blood cell count, thyroid and cholesterol got better when I got happy and started running. My point is that the Midlife Crisis is a pathologic emotional delusional state, and if you can see it for what it is you don’t need to let I make you miserable or destroy your family. Not everything you emotions tell you is valid.
I did not need a new wife, new toys, and my future was not bleak. I did not have much reason to be jealous of my 7 year old daughter. I didn’t want to continue in a solo practice.
The Midlife Crisis can be useful if you use it to motivate you to make good choices about what you want in your future. If it is expensive toys (cars, boats, women); my best guess is that you are about to make a mistake. If it is sure fire get rich quick schemes; think again. Thomas Edison said that most people miss opportunity because it is usually dressed in overalls and looks like work. If what you what looks like work and your up for it – that may just be what the doctor ordered.
© 2008
